It's Lilia Again….
Who am, really? I’ve asked myself that question over and over. I'm not sure I can answer it, not in a forever way. You see, I've been untangling myself forever.
It’ll help to know part of my story, though.
My life has been a journey fraught with danger, physical and emotional. An early life laden with trauma, abandonment and abuse.
Being different meant death.
So, I suppressed the woo-woo part of me. And, learned to only use the practical, analytical, left-brain part of me. Survival was the goal and I did whatever I needed to do to make it in one piece.
In the process, though, my soul splintered. The pieces went this way and that. Lost and forgotten in what seems a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.
What remained, had a hole in it. A giant black hole. A hole that I tried to fill with addiction. Addiction to food, to men, to beating myself up.
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You see, in spite of everything, there was this yearning for the numinous, for the divine that wouldn’t go away.
I tried my best to ignore it.
But, I could sense things. I could see the indigos and the vivid reds of emotions in others. Could hear the call of water singing its healing song, of birds speaking in strange tongues.
I refused to acknowledge it.
For decades, fear ruled my life. It made me shun what I most needed: to yield to the light, to step into it.
Instead, I took refuge in my writing. A haven for all that was lost. I wrote of yearnings for something I knew in dreams. I wrote poems that later I burned.
Meanwhile, I used the logical, analytical side of me and learned accounting, law, systems engineering. I became successful at it. To boot, I made lots of money doing all the left-brain things you find yucky.
I learned all sorts of things because I find perpetual learning irresistible.
The yearning kept painting darkness upon my world. It left when I could no longer feel my heart. When I knew I was called to do different things, though at the time I had no clue as to what.
And so it went.
Until one day....
Like a bolt of lightning striking, the thought came to me:
“What if I were to wrap my car around the tree at the bend? Who would care? What difference would it make to the world?”
To be honest with you, I don’t know what happened. Something grabbed a hold of the wheel and wouldn’t let it turn.
I swear it was my guardians … Horse, Hawk and Wolf coming to the rescue.
In that instant I knew, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I had to change. I had to rediscover the portion of myself that I’d stuffed away since childhood.
It took a while. I had to gather all the pieces of my soul together again and make a whole out myself. All I can say is that I am better and perhaps I will be whole some day.