It's Lilia Again….

Who am, really? I’ve asked myself that question over and over. I'm not sure I can answer it, not in a forever way. You see, I've been untangling myself forever.

It’ll help to know part of my story, though.

My life has been a journey fraught with danger, physical and emotional. An early life laden with trauma, abandonment and abuse.

Being different meant death.

So, I suppressed the woo-woo part of me. And, learned to only use the practical, analytical, left-brain part of me. Survival was the goal and I did whatever I needed to do to make it in one piece.

In the process, though, my soul splintered. The pieces went this way and that. Lost and forgotten in what seems a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.

What remained, had a hole in it. A giant black hole. A hole that I tried to fill with addiction. Addiction to food, to men, to beating myself up.

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You see, in spite of everything, there was this yearning for the numinous, for the divine that wouldn’t go away.

I tried my best to ignore it.

But, I could sense things. I could see the indigos and the vivid reds of emotions in others. Could hear the call of water singing its healing song, of birds speaking in strange tongues.

I refuseImage of my poem The Dance.d to acknowledge it.

For decades, fear ruled my life. It made me shun what I most needed: to yield to the light, to step into it.

Instead, I took refuge in my writing. A haven for all that was lost. I wrote of yearnings for something I knew in dreams. I wrote poems that later I burned.

Meanwhile, I used the logical, analytical side of me and learned accounting, law, systems engineering. I became successful at it. To boot, I made lots of money doing all the left-brain things you find yucky.

I learned all sorts of things because I find perpetual learning irresistible.

The yearning kept painting darkness upon my world. It left when I could no longer feel my heart. When I knew I was called to do different things, though at the time I had no clue as to what.

And so it went.

Until one day....

Like a bolt of lightning striking, the thought came to me:

“What if I were to wrap my car around the tree at the bend? Who would care? What difference would it make to the world?”

To be honest with you, I don’t know what happened. Something grabbed a hold of the wheel and wouldn’t let it turn.

I swear it was my guardians … Horse, Hawk and Wolf coming to the rescue.

In that instant I knew, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I had to change. I had to rediscover the portion of myself that I’d stuffed away since childhood.

It took a while. I had to gather all the pieces of my soul together again and make a whole out myself. All I can say is that I am better and perhaps I will be whole some day.